Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Sober January is a disaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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