I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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