i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
