do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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