I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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