Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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