Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
