i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
