Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
