there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
