stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Randomize