I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
