When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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