U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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