New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
