I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
