MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
