i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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