I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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