So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
