I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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