I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
