Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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