I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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