Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
