I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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