You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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