I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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