I am in a vortex of obligation.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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