It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
