there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have tasted many bathrooms
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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