my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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