I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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