I think I won the penis lottery.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
