Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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