You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
