If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
