Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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