he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.