When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
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Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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