He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
