I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
