I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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