Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
