I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
