Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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