Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
