mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
And then he peed in my hair
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