Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
