there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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