Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
