I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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