It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
