Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
